There's Nothing Wrong with Duncan Hines

It was bound to happen but we really didn’t think it would happen so soon. This time we agree with our mothers, our kupkakes were horrible. We thought we were making a smart decision by going back to the beginning of the book and starting with the first recipe. The Chocolate Chip Cupcakes looked so easy. Sure it required a few more bowls than Suzanne was comfortable with having on her countertop at one time, but she fought through the anxiety like a champ. Other than her relentless twitching and scratching we thought things were going very well. So well, in fact, one of us decided it would be OK to have a whole bottle of wine. If there was ever a time to blow off this kupkake thing and get drunk it was on the first recipe of the book. Or that’s what Tana told herself.

It was easy. We followed the instructions perfectly. Usually we find ourselves improvising (and not just on the fancy ingredients Martha demand we use). Improvisation came in handy several times after reading Martha’s difficult directions then basically telling her to shove it. We’ll do it our way. No, this time we measured twice, poured once. In the end none of this mattered. These things were shit. Sorry for the harsh word but crap isn’t going to cut it this time. They didn’t turn out very pretty either.

Here is a picture of what one of these kupkakes looks like after being spit into a sink.

It takes some serious shit (not crap) to make us spit chocolate anything out of our mouths.

We still haven’t figured out what went wrong or what we could have done differently. Maybe this Martha character doesn’t really know how to bake kupkakes. Maybe the whole empire she built based upon perfection and impossibly high standards is a sham. Maybe she doesn’t have everything figured out. Or maybe half of this baking team was drunk and added 4 tablespoons instead of 4 teaspoons of baking soda.

Guess we will never know.