Martha Can Keep Our CD's

We took a little break from kupkake making. More importantly we took a break from Martha. We had a wonderful holiday season spending time with friends and family, eating too much, drinking even more. My liver is glad a certain friend went back to OSU.

I think we were both a little hesitant or maybe just apathetic about starting this kupkake thing back up. We always have fun but at some point it would be nice to bake something really tasty that we can brag about. I mean that’s really what this whole thing is about, right? Forcing people stroke our ego and shower us with praise? That’s hard to do when we keep baking mediocre kupkakes not worth their calorie count.

We have been in a relationship with Martha for almost 4 months now and the honeymoon phase is over. I feel like we have been dating the most popular guy in high school (she is THE Martha Stewart and all) but lately it has felt more like an abusive relationship. If this were an after school special we would be the girl trying to hide a black eye in gym class while Martha was high-fiving the other jocks by the lockers. (As an aside, letter jackets are being worn in this scenario and Martha looks ridiculous.) Well she isn’t going to tell us what to do or how to bake anymore! We are breaking up with you, Martha!

Who’s to say we won’t slip up and miss our Martha so much we give one of her recipes another chance in the future. Kind of like Winter Break back in college when you would go home, hang out with old friends, make out with your high school boyfriend to see if the spark is still there. It isn't. We should be old enough to know the “spark” is only there because of the shot of tequila you just took. It will be a huge mistake but we’re only human.

So this may not be a “forever” goodbye, but it most certainly is a “WE HATE YOU MARTHA. We never loved you. You don’t define us. It’s not me, it’s you. Lose my number. Oh, and I slept with one of your best friends.” That last one is a lie but it is the only one that will truly sting.

We are not throwing in the towel on this blog though. Our next endeavor will be to learn how to actually bake a good kupkake. We honestly didn’t think we would ever have to make the distinction between baking Martha Stewart kupkakes and baking a good kupkake but that is where we find ourselves.

In full disclosure, we did make a non-Martha, Christmas kupkake a few weeks ago but I never blogged about it. The kupkake was delightful. The recipe came from the back of a Braum’s brochure. It was some kind of dense, eggnog kupkake with fluffy eggnog icing. Here’s the best part…most of it came out of a box! We used a Pound Cake mixture then added a few things. Mostly eggnog. The icing though, that was all us and it might have been the best icing we have ever made. DO YOU HEAR THAT MARTHA?

This week, aka the final straw, we made Martha’s Blueberries-And-Cream Cupcakes. I’m not even going to write about them. They don’t deserve it. They were also ugly.

Suzanne did redeem the night by making the Neiman Marcus Chocolate Chip Cookies. I didn’t get a picture but they were so good and totally worth their calorie count. I know we can follow a recipe well enough to make edible treats. We cannot be as horrible as our ex lead us to believe.

I Wonder What She Learned In Prison

We took a week off because one half of this sad baking team took a little vacation to San Francisco. Tana still had kupkakes on her mind though and got to sample a few mini cupcakes from the bakery Cakes near Union Square.


I begrudgingly admit they were a great deal better than any kupkake we have made or probably ever will. We are not going to take all the blame for this though. We are really starting to think Martha is just for show. All talk, no substance. All sizzle, no steak. All hat, no cattle as some in the South might say. All salt and lime, no tequila as we might say. (Who knew there were so many ways to call someone a pretender?) True, her kupkakes are very pretty but we suspect she has never actually made one of them from this book.

I can only imagine what it was like for the poor souls (probably young children) who had to bake the kupkakes for the pictures in this book. It is not a question of IF they were punished for thinking she would never notice that one sprinkle that was out of place, but what kind of punishment they had to endure. You know she picked up a few tips in prison. Somewhere there is a wing in a psych ward reserved for ex Martha Stewart Inc employees, their physical scars never competing with their emotional ones.

All that being said this week’s Snickerdoodle Cupcakes were…..forgettable? I honestly don’t remember anything about them except they were dry. This happens every week so we started to bake them at 25 degrees lower and 2 minutes less than Martha demand from us. We follow her recipes/demands perfectly but we never can make anything that tastes as good as a Hostess Ding Dong. We also don’t cook with crack so that could be the difference. How could she put these recipes in her book knowing they are going to produce something with the taste and consistency of cardboard? She’s all icing, no cake…that’s how.

We have considered switching this blog up a bit and actually trying to bake a delicious kupkake but we have decided not to give up on our Martha just yet. Plus, who would we have to blame for our shortfalls? Ourselves? Absolutely not!

Speaking of shortfalls, Suzanne got to show off her icing abilities. I’m not really going to say much about her skills, I think the pictures will speak for themselves.

Tana’s:

Not great but when compared to Suzanne’s:

Again, Tana’s:

Suzanne’s:

The laughing that took place in the kitchen is why we are doing this blog and this is why I (Tana) love being friends with Suzanne (among many other and mostly hilarious reasons). Much like our banana kupkakes a few weeks ago that resembled poop, these resembled something else as well. (Right, Eddie?) I must say, Suzanne was following Martha’s directions pretty well but somewhere, something went wrong. We were reduced to laughing and snorting and making inappropriate jokes…again.

One of these things is not like the other.

Be Thankful for Kupkakes

We hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and didn’t gain as much weight as we did! Actually we do hope you gained as much wait as we did and then some. This would make us feel better about ourselves and really, that’s all that matters. Especially you skinny girls...eat up. We will bring the kupkakes to you. We make a great Buttercream Icing that you will love.

During the four day holiday I only stopped eating once around Saturday for about an hour (I had to cheer for the Sooners). I kept a steady stream of carbs in my mouth the rest of the time. I wouldn’t want to offend all the Pilgrims and Native Americans I know by not honoring this holiday the only way I know how. Other than drawing hand turkeys of course.

Thanksgiving isn’t really known for its kupkakes but these turkeys were pretty cute. I don’t think they are ever going to replace a pecan pie but they looked good sitting next to the other 27 desserts on the table. The cake part of the kupkake was from the One Bowl Chocolate Cupcakes recipe we made for our very first post (those @#*&ing witches). We never got to actually taste the cake part due to the layer of fat coating our tongue from the Buttercream Icing. We can now report that this recipe makes a fine kupkake. Very tasty and not dry at all. Martha suggests you use the Buttercream Icing again for this kupkake but I bet you can guess where we think Martha can shove that suggestion. Nope. We are sticking to our ban of her Buttercream. So we improvised which usually isn’t a good idea but it totally worked this time. We started out making Martha’s Fluffy Vanilla Icing but then we added some melted semi sweet chocolate for color so our turkeys wouldn’t look naked if some of their tail feathers fell off. We aren’t in the business of posting nude pictures of young, naïve turkeys from a small Midwestern town trying to make it in the entertainment industry.* We are classier than that.

Speaking of class, here is a picture of Suzanne cutting up Swedish Fish (used for the beaks and tail feathers) with a filet knife.



Tana’s dad “helped” us this week and when we mentioned we needed to cut up some fish, he knew exactly the kind of knife we needed. That’s really where the helping ended though. The rest of the time he kept asking how we could incorporate pecans into the recipe and insisting turkeys have one of those “hats” on their heads like roosters. (Don’t judge me for calling it a hat, they didn’t cover this during the few classes I attended in college.) We let him make his own turkeys, hat and all. You can try to pick them out in the pictures if that’s the kind of thing you consider fun.

Overall these turkeys were a hit even if all the pecan pies kind of stole their thunder. We are very happy with our decision to ignore Martha and make our own icing even if this means she is looking down on us right now, judging.

* We would never judge those young, naïve turkeys trying to make it big. Do your thing, turkey. And I’m sure your father is sorry for not loving you enough.

Big or Small, Save Them All!

Some of this post will be about boobs. So fellas, stick around! We never offer much for our non female/non gay male readers but that’s because we don’t want to write about burping and scratching while fishing every week. Sorry Dads! I’m also extremely sorry I have addressed our fathers in the same paragraph I have talked about boobs. Where do I go with this from here? This is wrong.

Let’s (please) talk about this week’s kupkakes! We pushed ourselves with Martha’s Pastel Flower Cupcakes. Cuss words were said when Tana showed Suzanne the pictures from the cookbook. Bad ones, if I remember correctly. Just last week we got to make simple cookie/kupkakes that required no effort or skill or even icing. Perfect for underachievers/us. But it turns out even these two morons can make kupkakes look pretty.

Hold on though. This week was not exactly a success. Don’t be fooled by the pretty package. We’re convinced these kupkakes were not meant to be digested. I’m sure it was just an oversight by one of Martha’s staffers. There was clearly supposed to be a disclaimer at the bottom of the page letting us know that not only does the icing contain raw eggs but the taste may also induce dry heaving. Again, small oversight, mistakes happen, Martha is not trying to trick anyone. We actually saw this coming though since this icing was just a pinker version of the Meringue Buttercream Icing we made for the witch kupkakes. This is the icing that calls for FOUR sticks of butter. FOUR. This is ridiculous. So we called an audible half way through whisking and decided to reduce the number of sticks to just THREE. This is still ridiculous.

There was one person who liked the icing. Eddie. She was pleading that we “FOLLOW THE RECIPE! DO IT LIKE MARTHA TOLD YOU TO!” She didn’t really yell but she did keep repeating herself. This was odd to us until Tana remembered a story about how her mom used to beg her own mother for butter (like normal kids do for candy) until they would give in and just hand her an entire stick. I love this visual. Eddie in the corner of the kitchen, stick of butter in hand, the wrapper folded down but butter all over her hands and face, my Grandma shaking her head and starting to worry about what kind of animal she was raising. Only this kind of person, with this kind of love for butter could eat these kupkakes.

I don’t have any opinions on the cake part of the kupkake because it just doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that we will never make Martha’s Meringue Buttercream Icing ever again. This is going to require a bit of improvisation on many future kupkakes which means we are opening up a lot of room for self inflicted failure. Not unlike so many other areas of our lives.

Now for the part about boobs. We made these pink kupkakes for a luncheon to raise money for a lovely, funny, positive, sweet, charming, brave co-worker. I didn’t get her permission to use her name so I will refer to her as K. (Just try to guess which letter her name starts with.) K is battling breast cancer right now but you would never know it if you talked to her. Sure most women would notice the wig but apart from that change she is just as kind and bubbly as she always has been. I don’t know how women like her (or anyone battling something so toxic and draining as cancer) do it. I don’t know how they get up and get dressed, not to mention how they walk around with a smile and share pleasantries. K takes this a step further and makes us laugh with her. She is infectious. She hasn’t missed a beat at work and she is approaching the next few challenging weeks with determination and humor. I only wish we could have made something a little more edible for her and her party.

Good luck K!

Now for the guys that managed to read all of that post:

Save the boobs!

This Post is Like a Cup of Warm Milk

No one is ever going to read this blog if we keep having successful experiences but I’m afraid that’s all we have for you this week. They weren’t pretty but they weren’t supposed to be. Martha’s Chocolate Chunk Cookie Cupcakes were part cookie, part cupcake. I’m still trying to figure out how she ever came up with their name? We loved the idea of them because the recipe didn’t include icing. That’s great for us but not so great when you are trying to write a blog about baking 175 kupkakes and not have to resort to:

“Hey reader! We baked things then other people ate them! See you in 7 days!”

Fortunately for our eaters and unfortunately for the readers (not sure if that “s” on the end of readers is necessary) that’s exactly what happened. We baked a lot of delicious kupkakes, a lot of people ate them, then most of those people were kind enough to let us know they were delicious. I almost fell asleep writing that.

Here is what they looked like (I got to play around with my new photography app, Instagram).

I already told you they weren’t exactly lookers. If you ever need to make a lot of kupkakes quickly we recommend you make these. Do it in your sleep.

Since we have nothing else to offer you this week, here is a picture of the blog’s namesakes.

Internets, meet the Kokos. Kokos, internets. We told you they were cute! Much cuter than your dogs ever imagined being. The truth hurts. Tana’s Koko is the brown fluff and Suzanne’s Koko is the other brown fluff. I hope that helps.

We feel terrible about being so great at baking yet so boring at blogging so here is a video clip of Martha visiting Stephen Colbert. They cook some of Stephen’s holiday favorites and talk about killing turkeys. She gets the turkey drunk before she kills it. She’s nothing if she’s not a sweatheart. (Sally, just click on the red letters or call Suzanne for directions!)

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/365267/november-10-2010/martha-stewart

Something tells me that next week isn't going to be so boring since this is what we are going to attempt:

I wish we had a video camera following us around for this one. It's going to be hard to convey so much disapointment with only words.

At Least They Taste Good

We’re back! Last week we were WAY off our game but I’m happy to report that we still know how to follow a recipe. There were quite a few changes this week; Suzanne was the drunk one for a change, we baked at Tana’s instead of in Suzanne’s sterile kitchen, we had a guest appearance by Eddie, and we didn’t receive one negative comment! It was kind of strange but it felt good to switch it up a little. I’m convinced we are ready to take this show on the road, much like a traveling circus. You can now book us for parties, receptions, wakes, or any random Wednesday as long as you will let us watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. You don’t even have to pay us. There is a good chance we will have to pay you for something we broke, we’ll call it even. It was also a lot of fun having a guest in the kitchen. True, this guest was no more of a baker than the two idiots writing this blog but I’m pretty sure having another set of eyes and pair of hands helped. I say that but maybe it was the fact that Suzanne was too sauced to contribute anything more than grabbing a couple of eggs while she was refilling her glass of wine. I’m not trying to draw any conclusions here but I want to point out that when Tana dipped into the wine and stopped helping, the kupkakes were horrible. When Suzanne had a few too many and just sat there and barked out orders, the kupkakes were great. Again, you draw your own conclusions.

This week we made Martha’s Banana-Pecan Cupcakes with Caramel Icing. We passed these off as a hearty breakfast to the people we work with. We figured they couldn’t contain any more sugar than your average bowl of Frosted Flakes (if your average bowl is the size of a kiddy pool). They fell for it because it had a slice of banana on top. But let’s talk about that caramel icing. We did not know you could make melted caramel any other way than to unwrap little Brach’s caramel chews, throw them into a hot pot, hope for the best. We clearly aren’t even sure if that would work. We now know that caramel is just lots of sugar in a tiny bit of water heated until it is burnt and heavy cream. Science!


Tana did that and no one got hurt. It was tasty once it cooled off to a nice simmer.

Here is what they looked like with a slice of banana. We thought they were cute and others said they were delicious. They better say that since they are getting a steady stream of kupkakes brought to them.

But here is where the laughter kicked in:

If you think this looks like anything else but poop on a kupkake you are too mature to read this blog. There is no way around this. I don’t care how old you are, you look at these pictures and see poop. Thanks to Suzanne’s state of mind we even had sound effects while Tana iced them.

Grow up!

There's Nothing Wrong with Duncan Hines

It was bound to happen but we really didn’t think it would happen so soon. This time we agree with our mothers, our kupkakes were horrible. We thought we were making a smart decision by going back to the beginning of the book and starting with the first recipe. The Chocolate Chip Cupcakes looked so easy. Sure it required a few more bowls than Suzanne was comfortable with having on her countertop at one time, but she fought through the anxiety like a champ. Other than her relentless twitching and scratching we thought things were going very well. So well, in fact, one of us decided it would be OK to have a whole bottle of wine. If there was ever a time to blow off this kupkake thing and get drunk it was on the first recipe of the book. Or that’s what Tana told herself.

It was easy. We followed the instructions perfectly. Usually we find ourselves improvising (and not just on the fancy ingredients Martha demand we use). Improvisation came in handy several times after reading Martha’s difficult directions then basically telling her to shove it. We’ll do it our way. No, this time we measured twice, poured once. In the end none of this mattered. These things were shit. Sorry for the harsh word but crap isn’t going to cut it this time. They didn’t turn out very pretty either.

Here is a picture of what one of these kupkakes looks like after being spit into a sink.

It takes some serious shit (not crap) to make us spit chocolate anything out of our mouths.

We still haven’t figured out what went wrong or what we could have done differently. Maybe this Martha character doesn’t really know how to bake kupkakes. Maybe the whole empire she built based upon perfection and impossibly high standards is a sham. Maybe she doesn’t have everything figured out. Or maybe half of this baking team was drunk and added 4 tablespoons instead of 4 teaspoons of baking soda.

Guess we will never know.