We Are the Tiger Woods of Kupkake Making

We cheated. There, I said it. I feel much better about everything now. See, when we came up with the idea to bake all of Martha’s kupkakes and blog about it we promised ourselves we were going to follow the recipes EXACTLY. We felt pretty strongly about baking just as Martha does. She uses the best ingredients, correct utensils, takes her time, incessantly reminds herself she is better than everyone around her, etc. We promised ourselves we were going to follow her lead precisely. We really thought we would stick to this because if you can’t keep a promise to yourself then who could ever trust you? Well don’t ever trust us. We kept that promise to ourselves through one whole recipe. Actually that’s a lie. The first recipe called for “Dutch” cocoa powder but we are fast discovering that if Reasor’s doesn’t carry it….screw it.

After last week's witch kupkakes that almost derailed this entire undertaking, we wanted to bake something a little less time consuming/soul killing. These Pumpkin Patch Cupcakes looked innocent enough.

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Now don’t skip to the picture of our kupkakes and try to compare them to the picture above. Actually, don’t ever compare our kupkakes to a picture of Martha’s cupcakes. That would be hateful. Let me just be upfront with our 7 readers (hi moms, dads, and Anthony!) and let you know we did not make the pumpkin toppers out of marzipan. We feel horrible about this, we really do but where in the hell do you find that stuff??? I put 3 question marks there like we really turned this city upside down trying to find it. The truth is Reasor’s either didn’t have it or they don’t keep it in the one spot we looked so…screw it. Brach’s waxy pumpkins will have to do!

Tana was honestly looking forward to making the marzipan pumpkins and thought it would be pretty easy. Suzanne was honestly going to kill Tana if she said it looked easy one more time. Reasor’s was on Suzanne’s side.

So these are our pumpkin kupkakes with just a hint more wax than what the recipe called for.

I don’t want to brag or get too cocky but I’m pretty sure we nailed these. Everyone seemed to really enjoy their kupkakes. Hey, it shocked us too but you all didn’t have to look so surprised. A few people said they were a bit dry but we ignored their commentary then just talked bad about them behind their back. Made us feel better even if we did say some pretty mean things about one of our mothers. Teach her to critique our kupkakes.

To end this post, here is one “special” Brach’s waxy pumpkin.

We didn’t want to declare an official diagnosis but I will say this, we judged him.

1 down, 174 more to go

SIX HOURS. One, two three, four, five, SIX hours. This is how long it takes two idiots to make Martha’s Wicked Witch Cupcakes. And not all 24 kupkakes like the recipe predicted we could make. No, we only managed to make 8 actual witches. I don’t feel like doing the math and carrying the 1 right now but I know that is a ridiculous amount of time spent on each kupkake. Sadly, time was not our only issue. Measuring, lack of utensils, the absence of peel and eat licorice, and the decision to start in the Halloween chapter as opposed to the Easy 1st chapter all contributed to this debacle.

How do we convey our baking ignorance just in case “six hours” hasn’t set in yet? Let’s start with an exchange of texts between Suzanne (standing in the baking aisle of Michaels) and Tana (probably sitting in the living room of her house):

Suzanne: I may be in over my head here!
Tana: Oh no. What are you looking at?

Suzanne:

Not sure how these are to be used in baking

Tana: I know how they are SUPPOSED to be used but I have some other ideas as well.
Suzanne: The tips and couplers are making me nervous. I need to come back to Michaels with you.
Tana: Couplers? WTF are those? This adventure is not going to end well.
After a few minutes of no response
Suzanne: I had to peace out of that joint, now I’m at Dollar General!

Come to find out “couplers” are quite the big deal when it comes to decorating kupkakes. Who knew?

Not us.

Luckily this recipe did not call for the use of couplers. This is where our luck ends though. The witches were made from the One Bowl Chocolate Cupcakes and Swiss Meringue Buttercream Icing recipes. The chocolate part was easy but now we are nervous about the fact that Martha had to distinguish it was made in “one bowl”. What are we to expect from the rest of this cookbook? This part was a little messy but Suzanne never lets anything stay on her countertops for more than 3 seconds so she spent most of her time shadowing Tana with a wet cloth. The icing on the other hand was absurd. The ingredients were; 5 eggs, 1 cup sugar, itty bitty bit of vanilla, and FOUR STICKS of butter. Never again. We usually like our friends and family and we feel it is just rude to make them eat this much butter. By the way, when you ask Suzanne to cut the butter into small pieces before adding them to the mixer, she also arranges and plates them.

Thanks Suzanne but a small bowl would have also worked!

So after hours of prepping, measuring, mixing, baking, and assembling this is what we came up with.

Not bad but not very Martha either. And again, you will only count 8 witches. The rest of the kupkakes ended up looking like this.

These were also the only edible ones since they only had half a stick of butter per kupkake unlike the actual witches which were made up of 6% chocolate, 4% nasty black licorice, and 111% butter. I hope that adds up right.

This is where the witches slept at night so Suzanne’s cats wouldn’t eat them.

We just might be geniuses after all.

OK, let's do this!

What is this blog?  This is the blog where Suzanne and Tana attempt to make every single kupkake in Martha Stewart’s Cupcake Cookbook.  We do not currently bake.  At all.  This blog will document our journey from kupkake eaters to “The Masters of Everything Kupkake Related and All Things Delicious”.  We may also work on shortening that title a bit.  We think we can finish the cookbook in a year but knowing us we will get through the first four recipes then get distracted by something shiny.  We’ll see how this goes.

Who are we? We are just two incredibly stunning and talented girls wanting to prove to ourselves and others that we can accomplish anything.  Suzanne is a lovely wife who enjoys cooking for Trey, watching OSU football, and playing with her new little miniature yorkie.  Tana is an ambitious single gal who loves cooking for her family, watching OU football, and playing with her new miniature poodle.  Clearly we are very different.

Actually, if you have ever met us you know that paragraph is rather misleading.  Yes we are stunning, lovely, ambitious (and painfully humble) but domesticated activities do NOT define us.  I’d say most people would think of us more as funny, entertaining, nuts, and highly irritating at times.  The football part was entirely true though.   And we are certainly not doing any of this to prove anything to anyone.  We openly do not care about that.  We are having fun and you should too!

You may expect a blog about making kupkakes to be written by girls looking like this:

We are not those girls.  We don’t care enough to pull that off.  No, this would be a more accurate representation:

Why are we doing this?  It’s very simple, really.  Tana watched Julie & Julia and was inspired and Suzanne likes talking about herself.   We also feel like this would be a great way to have fun while also making treats for the people around us we tend to annoy.  More importantly, Tana needs a date and we plan on taking the kupkakes that aren’t a complete failure to local Fire Stations.  She has all her hopes of finding Prince Charming wrapped up in this endeavor so if you leave a comment, don’t call Tana fat.  That hurts.

What’s with that stupid *%&#ing title?  Cute story.  Tana inherited a miniature Poodle a few months ago and its name is and always has been Koko.  He’s cute and stupid, everything you would want in a lap dog.  But this story does not end there.  A few weeks ago Suzanne tricked Trey into adopting a miniature yorkie from her friend and its name is and always has been Koko.  She’s ridiculously cute and has the spastic personality of her new mom.  I guess you could call this little pairing “fate”.  We like to think of it as one more thing that makes us better and more interesting than you.  We are sad little people.

What you will find here or why you should keep reading?  KUPKAKES!  Those “k’s” are going to get exceedingly annoying so sorry in advance.